What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and what is it not?
By Rachel Huff, MMFT, MCE, Licensed Brain Health Trainer
I hear it on a regular basis in my office: “My ex is a narcissist, or my spouse is a narcissist, or my parent/child is a narcissist.” While some of these people may truly have narcissism as a personality disorder, often these individuals may just have narcissistic traits. Only five percent of the population has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), with the vast majority being male. While it is not likely that everyone’s ex, spouse, or parent has NPD, it doesn’t mean they do not exhibit strong narcissistic traits.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. If someone takes accountability for his/her actions, has insight, and is able to establish and maintain reciprocal relationships, one can rule out narcissism as a personality disorder. If you or a couple of people experience the manifestations of someone’s behavior, but others have long-term reciprocal relationships with them, it likely is not NPD.
Shame is at the root of narcissism, but it is rarely in one's conscious awareness. Instead, the individual places this shame onto those around them, which alleviates their feelings of shame. In order to be diagnosed with NPD, the individual must experience at least five of the nine formal symptoms across multiple situations for a minimum of the last six months.
These symptoms affect not only one's relationships, but also the person’s occupation, sense of identity, and lifestyle. The nine symptoms are as follows:
Grandiosity or a sense of self-importance;
Fantasies about power and success;
Sense of entitlement;
Limited insight;
Constant need for admiration and praise;
Use of manipulation tactics to take advantage of others;
Limited or poor empathy;
Competitiveness, distrust, and jealousy; and
Scorn and arrogance toward others.
*If you have a teenager, you might be a bit panicked thinking they check most of these boxes. Take a deep breath and remember it is across multiple relationships. Children and teens tend to demonstrate these symptoms to some degree due to brain development. If you are worried about your child, please contact a therapist for evaluation and help.
So what do you do if you are living with or are in close relationship with someone who checks these boxes? Does the Bible give any directives? I believe there are many but will cite one.
Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” When those around us deal with us contemptuously, we should take care to limit our exposure. Stop expecting others to guard your heart and choose to set boundaries to help you do that.
Jesus was great at setting boundaries. He did not let the demands or needs of people supersede what He knew He needed to do. He knew when He needed to retreat and rest. He was not a people pleaser. He loved people but aimed to please God.
If you feel like you are struggling to set boundaries or guard your heart, and you are in a relationship with someone who appears to be a narcissist, it is important to seek professional help. If you would like to talk with someone at HeartLife, contact us today at 901.756.5788 or visit heartlifesoulcare.org to request an appointment.
For further study on NPD, check out the following resources and recommendations by Dr. Chuck Hannaford:
Unmasking Narcissism: Understanding the Complexities of Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Chuck Hannaford, PhD
M. Scott Peck, M.D.’s book: People of the Lie
Rachel Huff, MMFT, MCE, Licensed Brain Health Trainer
Rachel Huff is a licensed brain health trainer and certified marriage coach.
Rachel believes all were created in the image of God and have innate value. The Bible teaches each one of us was created uniquely and with purpose. Because of this, Rachel approaches each individual and couple uniquely, utilizing many therapeutic approaches and tools. With Rachel’s background in health and wellness, as well as counseling, she holds a holistic perspective on how she sees and helps her clients. Rachel has been teaching on the Bible, health and wellness, marriage, and mental health in churches and the community for the past two decades.