Ways to Comfort a Grieving Friend
by Kelsey Byrn
Each of us has likely been there. A close friend is in the midst of deep grief and emotional pain, and we feel helpless. We do our best to figure out the balance between too much help and not enough- we try to avoid overwhelming our friend while also checking in on them. When it comes to this topic, I always think of one of the greatest examples from the Book of Job where someone is comforting a grieving friend.
Job's friends were with him physically.
"Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words." (Job 2:13).
Job's friends were with him emotionally.
"...they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads” (verse 12).
Does empathizing mean that we ourselves have to have experienced the same tragedy as our hurting friend? Of course not. While points of relating can be a factor in empathizing with others, it is not a necessity. Brene Brown paints a wonderful picture of the idea of empathy:
People often confuse sympathy with empathy. Sympathy is, “I feel bad FOR you.” Empathy is, “I feel bad WITH you.” Sympathy can make us feel more alone. Empathy helps us feel connected. Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing; it doesn’t require that we have experienced the same situation they are going through.
So, while we can be with our friends physically and emotionally, we can also intercede on their behalf by praying for them. We can come to The Great Comforter for wisdom in comforting our hurting friends. I want to leave you with a beautiful prayer from Douglas Kaine Mckelvey's "Every Moment Holy" (Volume Two):
A LITURGY Before Mourning with Those Who Mourn
REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE;
MOURN WITH THOSE WHO MOURN
-ROMANS 12:15 (NIV)
"O God of All Comfort,
Lead us humbly into this place of heartbreak.
O Spirit Who Moves
in the Midst of Our Sorrows, Fill us with a right compassion.
Fill us with a right compassion that we would not cross this threshold armed with easy answers, but would enter instead
bearing the balm of a divine tenderness best expressed in honest affirmations and small acts of service.
Teach us even in this hour, O Lord, how better to mourn with those who mourn, that their burden might in some way be made more bearable by our sharing in it.
O Lord, in this place of holy sorrows make us quick to listen, and slow to speak,
reminding us how the only true comfort Job received from his friends came not from their many words but from a willingness to sit with him in a silent sympathy of weeping.
So let any spoken comforts we offer be the fruits of a real and costly fellowship with those who grieve.
The sharing of such sorrows is indeed a good and holy work, O Lord.
For you also, Jesus, willingly entered the wounds of this world and wept with your creatures in their brokenness.
And you have promised us that wherever your children gather in your name you will be present as well.
So be present with us now in this wounded space,
O Spirit of God.
Let our presence be sensed as a token of your presence.
Let our concern bear unspoken witness to the redemption your love will one day work, even unto the utter and unimaginably glorious reversal of this loss.
Now speak, act, and comfort, O Christ.
Shepherd us into the sharing of this sorrow.
May our hearts be as your heart here, our voices as your voice, our hands as your hands, our tears as your tears.
Amen."