When the Holidays Hurt
When the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Isn’t So Wonderful
By Rachel Huff, LPC-MHSP Temp | HeartLife Counselor
The holidays are often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for some, it may feel like the opposite is true. If you're grieving, lonely, or facing difficult family dynamics, the joy that others seem to radiate during this season can seem to amplify your pain. As a Christian therapist and someone who has personally walked through some of my own difficult holiday seasons, I want to offer reflections and encouragement for those of you who feel like you are holding your breath and wiping your tears just trying to make it through the holidays.
What Makes the Holidays Challenging?
So many things! I am going to just touch on a few and hopefully provide some help and encouragement for you if you are navigating any of these.
1. Facing Loneliness During a Season of Togetherness
Holidays can magnify feelings of loneliness, especially when your circumstances make you feel out of place. Whether you're single, far from loved ones, or navigating strained relationships, the absence of meaningful connection can feel like a heavy burden.
I was reminded of Psalm 68:6 this morning: “God sets the lonely in families.” While loneliness may not disappear overnight, God often brings people into our lives—friends, church members, or even neighbors—who remind us that we are not truly alone.
For many years, I lived far from home, and the holidays often felt lonely. I learned that when I opened my home to others who were displaced, my loneliness became lighter. Often, when we extend love to others, God uses those moments to fill our hearts in return. This could be the year to step outside your comfort zone, Consider serving at a local shelter, attending a church event, or inviting someone else who might be lonely for coffee.
2. Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics
The holidays can also mean gathering around a table with family members who may not be easy to love. Old conflicts resurface, political conversations get tense, or maybe there’s just an unspoken tension that’s hard to shake.
Romans 12:18 offers insight into how we should posture ourselves in these situations: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This verse reminds me that while I can’t control others, I can control my responses. I remember my Uncle Steve telling me as a teenager that when you’re in conflict with someone you love, if there’s a clear winner and loser then you’re both losers. This doesn’t mean we let others walk over us, but it does mean we can approach conflict with grace.
Practicing boundaries, managing expectations, and praying for wisdom in difficult interactions can go a long way. Sometimes, loving family means showing up with grace; other times, it means stepping back to protect your emotional well-being. Both approaches can honor God when done with humility and love.
3. The Pain of Watching Others Be Happy
One of the hardest parts of struggling during the holidays is seeing others appear joyful while you're hurting. It’s natural to wonder, “Why can’t I feel that joy right now?” “Will I ever feel that joy again?” Whether you're grieving a loved one, recovering from a divorce, or feeling unfulfilled in your season of life, the happiness of others can feel like a stark reminder of your own loss.
When seeing others celebrate feels unbearable, it’s okay to step back and take a break from social gatherings or even social media. Protecting your heart during this season is an act of self-compassion. But also remember, joy can and does coexist with the hard. We don’t have to be consumed by the hard. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Perhaps the contrast of God‘s great and unchanging love to the earthly pain and experiences can bring a deeper appreciation and gratitude for who God is.
Practical Steps for Navigating the Holidays
Adjust Expectations: This applies to people, activities, gifts and more. If Aunt Susie has always been crabby, stop expecting her to change. If you're not close to your family, release the expectation that you’ll suddenly become close this holiday. Also, it's okay if this year looks different. Simplify where you can and focus on what truly matters. I often encourage clients to set goals for the three things that truly matter to them during this season. Then when something triggers disappointment, they can refocus on those goals.
Create Space for Rest and Reflection: Spend time in prayer or journaling about your emotions. Bring your hurts to God—He can handle them.
Seek Out Meaningful Community: If family gatherings feel too painful, consider spending time with friends, church family, or others who make you feel safe and valued.
Honor Your Needs: Whether it’s taking a walk alone, skipping a gathering, or spending time serving others, give yourself grace to do what’s best for your heart.
Remember the True Hope of the Season
Amidst the pain, Christmas offers a unique reminder of hope: that Jesus came into a broken world to bring healing, peace, and restoration. His birth doesn’t erase our struggles, but it reminds us that we are never alone in them.
Revelation 21:4 gives us a glimpse of this ultimate hope: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
If the holidays feel overwhelming, let this truth be your anchor: the heart of Christmas isn’t found in perfect celebrations or unbroken families, but in a Savior who came to meet us in our mess. You are loved by a God who sees your pain and cares for you deeply. Whether you find comfort in small, quiet moments or in the presence of others, let this season be one where you lean into His grace.
Rachel Huff, MMFT, MCE, Licensed Brain Health Trainer
Rachel Huff is a licensed brain health trainer and certified marriage coach.
Rachel believes all were created in the image of God and have innate value. The Bible teaches each one of us was created uniquely and with purpose. Because of this, Rachel approaches each individual and couple uniquely, utilizing many therapeutic approaches and tools. With Rachel’s background in health and wellness, as well as counseling, she holds a holistic perspective on how she sees and helps her clients. Rachel has been teaching on the Bible, health and wellness, marriage, and mental health in churches and the community for the past two decades.