Building a Healthy Family
The summer months are upon us, which often means an increase in time spent as a family. Often in sessions during the summer, I am greeted by parents expressing concern over the “bickering going on between siblings” or frustration from young adults that their “family reunion was not as peaceful as they anticipated.” Thanks to social media, it is easy to believe the myth that a healthy family should ALWAYS get along, continually agree, and coast through life with picturesque moments, smiles, and suntans. However, research suggests that even the healthiest and strongest of families walk through difficulties, disagree, and experience some struggles along the way. In fact, researchers note that rather than focusing on what a family wants to avoid, it can be more beneficial for a family to focus on specific healthy characteristics that they want to cultivate in the life of their family.
The US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) conducted a research project, along with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, counselors and sociologists, in which they identified nine characteristics of healthy and strong families. These characteristics allow both the individuals within the family and the family as a whole to flourish. We will look at these nine traits in greater detail below:
Expressing appreciation,
Time together,
Encouragement of individuals,
Communication,
Ability to adapt,
Religious/spiritual orientation,
Social connectedness,
Commitment to family, and
Clear roles.
(Taken from: Department of Health and Human Services)
Expressing appreciation: Healthy families express ongoing appreciation for one another. This appreciation includes children expressing appreciation to parents, parents expressing appreciation to each child, and siblings expressing appreciation to each other. Gratitude goes a long way in keeping our focus on what is good and wonderful about the other members of the family and it generates a “team mentality” within the family unit.
Time together: Healthy families prioritize spending time together. This time together can be constructive, like a family yard work day, or fun, like a trip to play miniature golf together. Enjoying each other and creating memories together builds strong bonds within families that continue as we age and grow.
Encouragement of Individuals: Although appreciation and encouragement sound very similar, the research identified that encouragement of each individual was also a key element in healthy families. In a healthy family there is a celebration of togetherness, and there is also room for each individual to flourish and become their own person. This could look like encouraging various members of the family in their strengths, siblings supporting other siblings at their sports event, or calling out the gifts that you see developing in each other.
Communication: In healthy families, there is openness of communication. Individuals are allowed to express their feelings and thoughts in healthy ways and conflict resolution is taught. This could include teaching about apologizing and forgiving, speaking in “I” statements, or showing empathy for another’s feelings.
Ability to Adapt: All families are going to go through difficulties and suffering. Healthy families will as well. However, in the face of a storm, a healthy family encourages members that they can turn towards each other for support. Healthy families teach resiliency and coping strategies to their children so that they know how to persevere through challenging seasons.
Religious Orientation: Healthy families encourage each other spiritually as well. We believe this looks like teaching children the truth about God from a young age, praying together, attending church together, and aligning your family values with truth from God’s Word.
Social Connectedness: Healthy families are not just focused inward. They are also oriented outward in community. It is important for kids to see the value of serving others in the community, reaching out to elderly neighbors, celebrating holidays with friends and family and being part of a community that you can depend on in your time of need.
Commitment to Family: Healthy and strong families are committed to each other. Each person in the family should know that no matter what happens, the others in the family will be there for them and love them with an unconditional love. Commitment like that involves investment. A healthy family puts in work to be a healthy family!
Clear Roles: Lastly, in a healthy family there are clear roles and boundaries. Children actually thrive with consistent structure and boundaries. It should be clear that parents get to make the final decisions in a family. And at the same time, kids should also have a sense that, though they are not the authority, they matter and their thoughts are important.
Hopefully, this information can provide each of us with some clear vision and fresh goals to implement into our family life to build a healthier and stronger family. Struggles will come, conflict will happen, tough times are guaranteed. But, family can be a source of strength in the midst of those tough times. And, it’s not too late to try to establish healthier patterns in your family today to build resiliency and strength for tomorrow.
Lastly, the reality is that many reading this article either have experienced brokenness in their family of origin or in their current family. There is hope for you as well. If you find yourself desiring to heal from brokenness in the past, or if you find yourself desiring to learn new and different practices to change your own family’s story, please do not hesitate to reach out. We at Heartlife would love to come alongside you and support you on your journey towards healing. We know firsthand that God can bring redemption to what’s broken… even what’s been broken for many, many years. And, when we allow His light to shine into our darkness, “even the darkness is not dark to Him.” (Psalm 139:12)
Meet Cammie Easley, LPC-MHSP!
Cammie graduated with her Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling in May of 2014 from Denver Seminary in Denver, CO.
Throughout her career as a counselor, Cammie has been passionate about helping individuals of all ages overcome anxiety and depression, heal from past traumas, process their own grief, and develop into the healthy and whole people that God designed them to be.
She believes firmly that seasons of hardship are God’s tool which He uses to make us more like Himself and to reveal Himself to us in ways that we would not otherwise come to intimately know. One of her greatest joys in counseling is helping individuals figure out how they can heal in a holistic way that incorporates their body, mind, and spirit.